I Buy For The Person I Wish She Was

It lands, and it does not land.

She says thank you and she means it. There is nothing wrong with the moment. Nobody is offended and nobody is disappointed and the afternoon carries on perfectly well.

But you watch her face and it goes about two thirds of the way, and then it stops, and something in you knows.

It landed slightly to the left of her. Again.

And it has happened enough times now that you have stopped calling it bad luck. You have been trying to work out what the pattern is, and last time you got close to it and then flinched away, because the answer was uncomfortable.

You have been giving to a woman who does not exist.

Not a stranger. A version of her. The one who would take up that hobby, the one who would go to that class, the one who is slightly more organized and slightly more adventurous and slightly more like the friend you have half constructed over the years.

I want to handle this gently, because the thing underneath it is not what you are afraid it is.

According to that a man hath

Here is the verse, and it was written about money and is much larger than money.

For if there be first a willing mind, it is accepted according to that a man hath, and not according to that he hath not. (2 Corinthians 8:12, King James Version)

According to that a man hath. Not according to that he hath not.

Paul is talking to people who wanted to give more than they could and were tormented about it, and he tells them that what counts is measured against what is actually there. Not against the version of themselves they wish they were.

You have been living under the half of that verse that applies to giving and missing the half that applies to receiving, and 2 Corinthians 8:12 sets the measure at what is actually there rather than at what is not. The Holy Spirit is the one who put the whole principle in one line, and the line runs in both directions.

Turn it round and hold it against your friend.

She is accepted according to what she has. Not according to what she has not. Not according to the class she never took, the habit she never picked up, the version of her that exists mostly in the warm part of your imagination.

You are being asked to give to the woman who is actually there, and it is written that the measure is what a person hath rather than what they hath not. The Spirit of God is the one who fixes a measure like that, and He fixed it in her favor a long time before you ever met her.

And here is the part that will surprise you.

That verse begins with a willing mind. First a willing mind, it says, and then the measuring. The willingness is not in question here. Yours has never once been in question. It is only the aim that has drifted.

You have had the willing mind the whole time, and Scripture puts that first and then measures everything else against what is genuinely in a person's hands. The Holy Spirit is the one who separates a wrong aim from a wrong heart, and this has never been a wrong heart.

A gift aimed at an improvement

Now let me name what happens on her side of the room, because this is the part that explains the two thirds.

When something arrives that is aimed at a version of her she has not become, she reads it in about half a second. Not consciously. She does not think a sentence about it. She feels a small pressure arrive with the parcel and that is all.

And the pressure says, gently and without meaning to: here is who I would like you to be.

That is why the face stops at two thirds. She is not ungrateful. She is holding two things at once, and the second one is quiet and awkward and cannot be said out loud without seeming absurd.

You were never sending a criticism, and 2 Corinthians 8:12 measures the willing mind first and the rest by what is really there. The Spirit of God is the one who tells the difference between an aim and an accusation, and He is not confused about yours.

But the pressure is real even so, and this is worth being honest about.

A gift built out of who somebody could be is a wish in a box. And a wish, however loving, asks something of the person receiving it. It asks them to move.

You are able to stop asking her to move, and it is written that the acceptance goes by what a person hath and not by what they hath not. The Holy Spirit is the one who takes a demand out of an object, and He does it by changing what the object was made of rather than by hiding it better.

And here is the thing that makes this bearable to look at.

The wish exists because you love her and you want more for her. That is not a fault. The impulse behind every one of those slightly wrong gifts was somebody wanting good things for her life.

You have been getting it wrong out of love rather than out of carelessness, and the written word begins with the willing mind and never once questions it. The Spirit of God is the one who reads the impulse and not only the outcome, and He has read this one correctly all along.

Give to the one who is actually there

So here is the change, and it is a change of aim rather than a change of effort.

Sit down and describe her as she is this year. Not last year. Not the year she was thinking of doing that thing. This year, with the life she actually has and the hours she actually gets.

What does she do on a Sunday. What has she said twice. What is she tired of. What does she already love and return to and never apologize for.

You are looking at the real woman the second you write that list, and it is written that a person is accepted according to what they have. The Holy Spirit is the one who makes the ordinary present tense of somebody visible again, and it goes out of focus easily in a long friendship.

Then take one thing off that list and go no further than it.

Not one thing plus a nudge. Not one thing with a small suggestion attached. One thing, aimed squarely at the woman who exists, with nothing built into it that asks her to become anything.

You are giving her permission to be exactly who she is, and His word measures by what a person hath rather than by what they might one day have. The Spirit of God is the one who makes that permission land as warmth, and warmth is what has been going missing in that last third.

And expect something the first time you do it.

It will feel too easy. It will feel like you have not tried hard enough, because for years the effort has gone into the reaching, and aiming at somebody who is already there requires almost no reaching at all.

You have not stopped trying, and 2 Corinthians 8:12 puts the willing mind first and then stops asking for anything beyond what is there. The Holy Spirit is the one who quiets the voice that says an easy aim is a lazy one, and easy here means accurate.