She Was Kind About It And That Was Worse

If she had been sharp about it you would be over this by now.

That is the strange thing you have been unable to say to anybody, because it sounds unhinged out loud. You would rather she had been unkind.

She was not. She was warm and direct and generous and she said it gently, and she said it in a way that made it easy for you, and she meant every word of that kindness.

She said it was not quite right for her and thanked you for thinking of her and moved the conversation on.

And you have been carrying it for months.

Because kindness leaves nothing to push against. If somebody is unfair, a person can be angry, and anger is a place to put a feeling. Kindness takes the place away and leaves the feeling exactly where it started, which is inside you.

There is a verse about releasing people, and the release in it has to go somewhere, and the somewhere is the whole issue here.

Forbearing and forgiving one another

Here it is.

Forbearing one another, and forgiving one another, if any man have a quarrel against any: even as Christ forgave you, so also do ye. (Colossians 3:13, King James Version)

Two words at the front and they are not the same thing.

Forbearing is carrying with. It is what a person does with something ongoing, something not resolved, something that stays. Forgiving is releasing, which is a completed act.

The verse names both because both are needed and they do different jobs.

You have been forbearing something for months with no release anywhere in it, and the Holy Spirit is the one who named them separately. Colossians 3:13 puts the two side by side rather than making the carrying do all the work, and the separation is what shows what has been missing.

Now the model at the end of it, because it is the load bearing part.

Even as Christ forgave you, so also do ye. The pattern is a finished act. Not a process, not a negotiation, not something achieved by feeling differently over time.

It happened, and it was done, and nobody argued anybody into it.

You are being pointed at a completed release rather than a slow recovery, and it is written that Christ forgave you rather than that He worked through it. The Spirit of God is the one who set the pattern, and the pattern has an end in it.

And here is the clause that most people skip, and it is the one that names your problem exactly.

If any man have a quarrel against any. The verse assumes there is somebody. It is built for a situation with two parties in it and a grievance running between them.

You have no quarrel with anybody. That is precisely the difficulty. She did nothing, she was kind, and the machinery in that verse has nowhere to attach.

You have been holding something the usual arrangement cannot take, and the Holy Spirit is the one who lets a person notice that the standard equipment does not fit. His word assumes a quarrel where you have none, and noticing it is why this has been so hard to move.

Why the kindness made it worse

Now let me say what kindness actually did, because feeling ungrateful about it has been part of the weight, and there is nothing ungrateful in any of it.

A sharp word gives a person something to do. It can be resented, argued with, forgiven, or held against somebody. All of those are exits.

Kindness closes every one of them. There is nothing to resent, nothing to argue, nothing to forgive. The feeling arrives with nowhere to be sent and settles at the only address left, which is the person who gave the thing.

You have been the only available destination, and it is written that the forgiving goes toward somebody who has a quarrel rather than toward the person left holding it. The Spirit of God is the one who traces where a feeling actually went, and it went to you because nothing else was open.

And there is a second thing gentleness did, and it is worth seeing clearly.

Her kindness was accurate. She told you the truth and she told it well, and the truth was that it was not right for her.

Accurate is much harder to dismiss than harsh. A harsh word can be discounted as temper. A kind and accurate one stands there being correct, and correctness is what has kept it alive for months.

You have been unable to dismiss something because it was true and gently said, and the Holy Spirit is the one who ends a thing that cannot be argued down. Scripture sets the release as a finished act rather than as a rebuttal, and He ends it by release rather than by argument.

And one plain thing about her, because you have been quietly ashamed of minding.

She was not punishing you. Kindness that lands hard is not a punishment and was never designed as one. She had no idea, and she still has no idea, and there is nothing in her that intended any of what you have been carrying.

You are not being punished by anybody, and it is written that Christ forgave you rather than that anybody was owed anything. The Spirit of God is the one who separates what an act did from what it meant, and those have been the same thing in your head for months.

Release the one who is left holding it

So here is what to do, and it points the release in the only direction available.

Say it out loud, once, over yourself. Not as a feeling. As a completed act, the way the verse describes it.

I chose it, it was not right for her, she was kind about it, and that is over. And then stop.

You are able to say a finished sentence over yourself, and the Holy Spirit is the one who makes a said release hold. Colossians 3:13 sets the pattern as Christ forgave you rather than as anybody talking themselves round, and it holds because it is spoken rather than felt.

And do not wait to feel it first. That is the part that has been keeping this alive.

The verse does not say forgive when the feeling has resolved. The pattern it gives is a thing done, after which the feelings follow at whatever speed they follow, which in this kind of case is usually a few weeks.

You are not required to feel released before you release anything, and it is written that Christ forgave you rather than that anybody waited for a mood. The Spirit of God is the one who does the ordering, and He put the act first on purpose.

And then, this year, give her something else.

Not a correction and not a redemption. Something ordinary, chosen the way you would choose for anybody, handed over without a trace of the last one in it.

Because the alternative is that a kind sentence, meant well, quietly ends a decade of your giving to somebody you love.

You are able to go back without a repair in your hands, and the Holy Spirit is the one who gets a woman back to somebody's door. The written word puts forbearing and forgiving alongside each other rather than requiring a settlement, and He gets her there with nothing to prove.